OK
so I closed my eyes
and I went right into it
I took a deep breath
B R E A T H E.......
IN
WHOOOOSH
OUT
and all I could feel
was this
intense burning painpainpain
and still with
my eyes closed
I thought I could
visualize the meat
yes, the meat
the blood
the muscles,
the traffic inside my veins
the throbbing of the
cellular structure
going about its business
of keeping me alive
and in the meat
was my resistance
yes, tough meaty, jerky style
resistance
and then I saw it
the meat
wrapped around
my thigh bone
the one that was giving
me such a hard time
and guess what
I had to breathe again
in ......
out ........
in ......
out.........
even slower
than before
in ........
out......
holding on to my brown
skin over this
goddamn stubborn thigh
fleshy leg
with muscles over bones
and then it happened
I understood
that I was to go down
deeper into the tissues
and laugh at my jerky, meaty resistance
and when I did
I found
there was a message written
for my eyes only
on the bone
I thought was being pierced
with crazy pain
a message that in my mind’s eye
said
Welcome
Please take off your shoes
which I had already done
how silly I thought
and of course that
is what the mind does
notice things and
silly thoughts
and you keep
breathing and the sign said
or maybe it was the yoga instructor
who said this
RELAX
and BREATHE
WHICH I DID!!
And it was still there
my awareness that
there was something I
was either doing or not
doing about this
muscle/bone
stretching connection
yoga, unity, mind-body-spirit thing
because I still couldn’t get as far as I wanted
and so I continued
breathing as I
looked about at the rest
of my body which
by now was getting hotter
and more resistant
to this awkward
posture I was in
Sitting on my butt
bent over at the
waist,
trying, but not too hard
because we don’t do that at Kripalu
to reach my toes
Head to knee
and of course
BREATHING.....
and hurting
until I got it
I didn’t have to
bend so far
I didn’t have to
strain
I didn’t have to hurt
I could pull back
and breathe some more
which I did
and that’s when I
saw that I’d gone from
the mind to the body
to the cave of the marrow
to the bone
and when I got there
I felt only one big thing
FEAR
So I breathed some more
and then I realized
that the
cave to the marrow was
holding something
that I
was not prepared
to confront
the depth of
how much I
have hated this body
and that’s when all
hell broke loose
meaning there
was fire in that
meat and those
bones and it was
coming from my breath and my heart
and I stayed with it
until I could feel, I mean really feel like
I had burnt off some part
of that thing, that hateful thing
that by now
looked like
a Darth Vadar ish
parasite
that I was determined
to love to death
by drowning it in the
thunderstorm of
my tears of
exhaustion
over how long I’d held
that hatred and that pain
that I found as I sat
and breathed in compassion
and breathed out fear
deep in the cave of
the marrow of my spirited bones
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