Remembrance of a not so easy death

Fuck Eternity.
I watched a film about cancer and death
and one scholarly woman's dying breath
and in the beginning and the end 
there was no fear no worry to be seen
she was steely and smart
and in her teaching had a cold heart
but who wants to be remembered for 
being stern? 
Who wants to be dying alone with no one to hold
what's left of me in a final urn?
I want to live goddamit
and I will not if I get the goddamn cancer
and choose to die before my time 
filling my veins with poisoned experiments
that waste my skin, my cells 
my lungs and my heart
nothing but theories for diagnosis
and a celebrated research lab's experiment 
fuck it all from finish to start

That movie that story 
that doctor that nurse
that researcher 
goddamn them
and I say fuck to what is 
offered too often these days
for eliminating a cell that is reproducing
wildly and does not hurt
only grows more and beneath one's heart
may be hiding in the corners 
of a torn shirt

Oh goddammit
I more than hated the message 
of that story 

The treatment for cancer is not only
lunacy in white 
but also ceremoniously gory
research researcch research
and notes
and doctors who pace and ponder
down hallways in starched white coats
and perfectly painted walls
funded by perfectly profitable companies

Cancer
the tale of patients and patience
only to be told
that when it comes to another unknown cancer
there is nothing to contain it
and nowhere for one's spirit to go 
except to unfold into mystery
and chills and fire
and dying breath
and kisses of pain
and shit in the end
and all fluids gone
and poisoned like a dying polluted river
with treatments and false shamans
and rituals and indifference 
to those yearning for love
and in the last moments
for a caring mother's hug
as the patient says goodbye 
to all things on this earth that 
she loved so much
whether the song of a bird
the scent of a flower
the aroma of a well prepared soup
the vastness of an empty blue sky
above a tall man made taller
as he stands over the hospital bed
as she remembers the look in the eyes of one student
she loved so well 
and he in return
and that moment of brilliance 
in a connection of words and god's
grace in the ability to share
not just from mind to mind
but heart to heart
with warmth of hand
as she says
nothing more 
closing her eyes 
and forever parts. 

Oak Park, IL 
April 20, 2002