Prayer of the Unfaithful

I awoke
in fear
to the sound
of the rain
I saw waterfalls
in my head
I turned over
to bury my face in the pillows

the blankets burned
as did the tears
running down my face
I spoke to God’s
voice tapping at my window
and whispering through
the trees
“Are you there?” I cried
“Are you really going
to be there
for me?”
And I heard nothing
but the pounding
of this awful dread
clawing at the edges
of my bed
about to crawl in
and strip me of my
recent hopes
and pleasant dreams

The whispering
came back
in gentle stirrings
and changes
in the somber
morning light
soft rain
and birds’ breath
sounding back
“You only think
you are alone”
At which
the heaving of my
breast took a
gentle pause

When I next looked around
two little sleeping soldiers
had interrupted their dreams
they came to paw at me
and to lick my face
Was this to be my only answer?
At which thought
I could only sob more
and bury
my blanketed self
again

What a sorry sight
my sagging soul
and my haunting fears
of not finding work
and losing the precious
and comforting
love and safety
I find indoors
inside this very old house
already holding so
many memories
of family, friends,
struggle, growth and fate

By the time
I truly awoke
My cries to the divine
had become a shout
“I don’t want this change
and I am tired
of this lingering doubt of
‘What Should I Really do Next?”
So I just cried some more
until the wind stopped
and the pups begged
for my attention
and the wild birds
began to sing
in harmony
to the sonorous
wails
I’d just left behind
like a trail
on the wide
open desert
of my lacking faith

2000, Austin, TX