Lightness of Grief

She had waited too long
Tossed and turned through
The night
Awakened with the feeling
Of new grey hairs
That shone sadly
in the morning's light
Taking a key of ink and pen
She sat  by an old window
Looking out at the possibilities
Of contemplation
For another day
Without her

Carrying a rosary of disturbed peace
The beads hardened with tears of remorse
Rocks, stones and bones of different shapes
And sizes
One for each child she had mourned
On their long journey away from the safety
Of the parent's home
Children she'd also met on a seven
Year journey
Of seeking forgiveness from
Others
Mostly from herself

Taking the pen she opened to
An old prayerbook
With the gold letters of
Her name appearing more
Worn and faded
In the changing light
Meaningless chants jotted in
the margins of distraction
From years of ritualistic prayer
Of wonder, anger, resentments
And astonishment at the cruelty
Of the aging body's aches and pains

Songs meant for sopranos still
Filled her sharp mind
As she looked at the weathered paths
On her hands she remembered them
And the days of stronger sounding tones
Emerging in the night from her youthful breath

Opening the bottle of ink
She first painted aimlessly the
Words for a dreamed of serenader
Imagining herself on a lover's balcony
Perched high on starry clouds
Words and tears raining down
Blowing in the strong winds
Of felt abandonment

Moving towards the desk with a candle
In hand she heard the bells of the timekeeper
Reminding all villagers
To wake up and face
Another hardworking day
And as she finally sat down
Holding carefully a warmed
Cup of tea she
Thought

Grief

Is but
Walking
Lost
And on a path
Of one's own
Construction
Holding the hand of a dying friend
Is but to hold a lantern whose
Candle is losing the comfort
Of a known light

Remembrance and letting go
Are but acts of grace and
Loving kindness towards
The tired traveler

With one more thought of
When she and the lost lover
Would see each other once again
She cried out to the
Fading moon
"I am just a stubborn stubborn
fool,
so resistant to the changing
mourning light
I am a lost
and stubborn fool."

Austin, TX 1998